Sacred Moments
72I have come to believe that some moments in life are sacred, private moments that the medical community intrudes on for profit...and we let it happen to ourselves and to our loved ones. Birth and death are not always medical situations that require doctors and hospitals. Sometimes, a doctor's help is needed to save the life of an infant or mother. A physician's aid may be called for to ease the suffering of a dying parent. BUT NOT EVERY TIME!
Childbirth
The birth of a child is called labor for a reason, but come on. Doctors do not deliver babies; mothers do. Hospitals have rules and procedures that disrupt the process. Nature demands that this time be as intimate as possible. It is a welcoming party, a celebratio of family and of life. Not a procedure.
Scenario One
You are about to give birth to the newest addition to your family. Machines monitor your every bodily function and those of your infant. Nurses and aides judge who should and should not be present . Doctors decide when the birth should happen. Heaven forbid that your child's entry into the world interrupt a golf date!
Medication is applied to move things along (again, according to someone else's schedule), ease pain, and often simply asa precaution. As soon as the child is born, it is rushed to a separate table, suctioned, weighed, examined, and cleaned, while you are subjected to all kinds of interventions by who knows which professional to make sure "everything comes out okay".
Strangers determine all the little details of your life for the next 2-10 days. You have little or no say about who takes care of you or your child. Baby is either whisked off to the nursery until they think you should be with him or her, or placed in a hospital crib far enough away that someone other than you has control.
Whether it is your first or tenth child, you are instructed on when and how to feed the baby; based on the hospital's schedule or protocol, not yours or your baby's needs. Should the baby should be breast or bottle fed? Usually determined by the attending's belief system. Nurses decide when it is time for baby to sleep and for you to poop!
Your sleep is interrupted probably every hour or two for blood pressure checks and inane questions, like "Have you had a bowel movement yet?" (in the middle of the night?!?!). Visitors are only allowed at specific times and run off when it is inconvenient for the facility. And finally, ready or not, your bags are packed and you are sent home.
Scenario Two:
When labor starts, you call the midwife or one of the rare physicians who will attend a home birth. You also call those you most want to be there and tell them it is time. You make yourself comfortable, prepare all the equipment that you will need for the birth (you have been to Lamaze/childbirth classes so that you know what to expect and the best way for you and yours to respond). Labor progresses in its own time. The doctor or midwife is really only there in case you need them. Otherwise, they get coffee and wait like everyone else.
When the time comes, your spouse or mother or a close friend do whatever it is you think they need to do to help. They catch the baby, wipe its face, pat it to get it breathing air, wrap it in a blanket and help your new infant to you. You make sure all is well. If not, you and baby go to the hospital to take care of the problem. Otherwise, you nurse, bond, and count fingers and toes. Your child hears its name for the first time from your loving voice. And the two of you rest - together - or introduce baby to its family. The doctor or midwife fills out the paperwork and files it appropriately, declares you and the baby healthy and fit, congratulates you, and leaves.
You sleep comfortably in your own bed for the next few days, interrupted only by baby's hunger. Family and friends come to help with housekeeping, laundry, cooking, or errands as you see fit. Visitors come and go on your say so. Your life is probably more calm and relaxed than usual. You get to spend the first few hours of your child's life loving, cuddling, and nurturing them as God intended, and not as the medical community prescribes.
Death and Dying
In our society, we developed a tradition of handing our elderly over to a nursing home when they become unable to care for themselves. Fortunately, the trend is shifting toward a more old-fashioned way of doing things. However, many believe that this is the best way to handle a situation that they feel unequipped or unwilling to deal with. When they are at death's door, we, of course, want them to receive the finest care possible. And whether it is a matter or convenience, comfort, or training, more often than not, we deem it a matter for trained professionals.
If you have witnessed firsthand the care given at most nursing homes, you know that it is a poor substitute for the care of a loving family. Too many old folks die unnnecessarily at the hands of professionals in our times. Nurses become jaded and calloused after caring for the suffering for too long - it is a survival mechanism. Many just show up for work, hate their job, or just do not care anymore. Aides work in nursing homes because that is what's available and not because it is really what they desire to do. Or it's the only job they can find! In our town, a group of doctors own the nursing home as guaranteed easy income that does not require much of them - and the residents suffer in their hands. Visits usually consist of a phone call - no face time. Charts are reviewed only to the point that a major symptom or condition appears; no need to go any further. No one from the family comes to visit. Friends disappear; some die, some are homebound, others cannot bear to see their friend in a home.
When the end is near, they are rushed to the hospital and attached to machines, stuck in a bed, and abandoned. Procedures that have no positive outcome are foisted upon the person because that's what we do. When a DNR is in place, little or nothing is done. The staff does its best to make them comfortable until they die. So end of life treatment means lying in a hospital room, being alternately bothered with procedural stuff, therapies or treatments, or ignored until the next shift comes on? Family members who are frightened by any reminder that they too will reach this stage of life, go into denial and the dying person never sees them again. Others fawn and fuss over them, making them feel worse than before. What could possibly be comfortable about any of this?
This is the gold standard for end of life care. Hospice care is coming into its own and makes a big difference in the lives of many people, young and old, when their time is up. Patients are treated with respect and dignity. Their wishes are honored, as far as possible. And family and friends are welcomed. Everything is done to make one's transition from this world to the next as good as possible. And still it is a medical experience.
The old way was to tell the patient and their family that nothing more could be done, and to send them home to die surrounded by all that means the most to them. Family got the opportunity to spend time with the dying in failiar, comfortable surroundings, to say goodbye and to just sit and hold hands, hug and kiss, and express their love and affection. How beautiful is that?
The cold, hard truth is that even this way is not easy. In some ways, it is harder on the family than the sterile, professional environment of a hospital room. It is not as easy to walk away when the going gets tough, and this is an option some family members desperately need. I have learned in over fifty years of life, that what is important is rarely easy. And forever is forever.
And yet, the spiritual aspect of death is far more easily entered into at home. Goodbyes are more personal, more deeply expressed in this atmosphere. The home is sanctuary, it is asylum; it is a sacred place of prayer, sympathy, compassion, and forgiveness. In the privacy of the dying loved one's home, one can forgive and ask forgiveness. Old grudges can be resolved and left behind. Love that was assumed is expressed, maybe for the first time in decades. Nothing is more important than saying what needs to be said in the way that it needs to be said. Family members can put aside all of the busyness of daily life and concentrate on the wants and needs of the one who is about to leave them forever. Good memories can be formed where once there was only hurt and resentment. The hurt and resentment do not go away; they may be temporarily replaced by warmth and closeness. The bad stuff can be dealt with later. The feeling of urgency that comes with old pain can be lessened or eased with honesty and a mutual need to reconcile. Family can lean on each other, free of intrusion.
And you thought this was best handled by doctors? Think again. If a positive outcome is realistically anticipated, then by all means, get them to the hospital. If not, embrace the sacred moment that is death in the most holy, holistic, loving, compassionate way we have available to us.
